Desperate Times & The Sell-Out Cycle

I’ve heard it said that desperate times call for desperate measures.  I hate to say that personal experience has tested the truth of this saying.  My life has been in economic upheaval for a good 5 years now.  I have had to sell a lot of things just to get by.

My father sold his musical instruments throughout his life and is left empty-handed for the most part.  I inherited musical talent from him, but as I grew and collected various instruments I vowed that I would never sell what was was so intrinsically a part of me, that I would never for the sake of money, end up like my father – empty-handed, no instruments, no beautiful outlet for the creative undercurrents in the ocean of my deepest self.

Yet, that tested saying listed above wedged its way into my life.  It gagged me, bound me, and forced me to stare at my empty wallet, my pressing needs, and my loves before me – my musical instruments.  I have since sold 5 amazing djembe drums to try and rise above my pending squalor.

Now, I must do what I never thought possible: sell my musical first love (my Roland keyboard).  I feel so cheap and helpless.  But it is the only way to meet my current needs.  Unemployed and in need of moving in just 2 short months, I have to have money with which to move.

How many of you have had to sell that which you love? How many of us have gone the route of selling, or giving away, those which we love? Here I am referring to our pets.  It’s an American epidemic if we were to ask any shelter worker in the United States.  For various “desperate” reasons many of us at some point part with that which formerly meant so very much to us.

I am glad to say that I’ve matured enough, through painful lessons of giving other animals away as well as selling instruments, that I will in no way part with Toby and Timba, no matter how desperate the times. Music has always been at the core of my humanity and personality, yet I would rather sacrifice this expensive keyboard so I can secure a new home for myself and my cats.

I won’t have another keyboard like this for a sad and long time likely.  I will be without musical outlet and creative expression for who knows how long.  I may be able to blog from time to time, but even writing can’t hold a candle to what musical exploration and composition does for my soul.

I feel like a sell-out to myself, and perhaps to God.  But I don’t know what else to do.  He gave me musical gifts, and for the sake of money I feel I have no choice but to toss those gifts aside, or at least tuck them away for a time.

In light of this sorrowful event, I am glad Toby and Timba are my other precious gifts.  Though not an intrinsic part of me, they are an enormous part of my life.  Someday I hope to have djembes and steel tongue drums with which to drive my cats bonkers.  I hope I will never again be in the position to have to sell any instruments I may acquire down the road.

Maybe my resolve to hold onto Toby and Timba, to no longer be a person who gives their animals away in desperate times, will serve as a steel rod in my character for the future.  Maybe I’ll be strong enough to find another way and not sell the things which are so critical and life giving, not just to me, but to others as well.  Maybe, just maybe, I can break the sell-out cycle …

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2 thoughts on “Desperate Times & The Sell-Out Cycle

  1. Wow, tough post to read! As a fellow musician it would kill me to sell off my favorite classical guitar. My son has had to do this many times to stay afloat; his roommate finally bought him a guitar! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, I remember people everyday who are looking for work. Thank goodness for your two furry friends.

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