Your Cat Can Do What You Can’t

So I’m laying on my bed, hand to mouth in contemplative mode.  Toby and Timba alternate laying on a blanket a few feet from me, on my hip, or curling in my arm.  In the process of turning around to find the proper “curl” position, I am met with what I call the “heinous catanus” (pronounced kuh-TAY-nus).  Yes, the heinous cat butt pose, which is never found in any other place than in a human face.  I’ve seen so much cat rear in my 3 years of having them that I care not to count.  I’d be interested in the stats though.  I’ve heard it said that God knows the number of hairs on our heads.  I’d like to ask him someday just how many times I’ve been exposed to a furry behind.  Hmm …

So in the midst of moving Timba’s rump out of the way, I began thinking on less philosophical and weighty issues and began to wonder about all the things that cats do to us but we can’t do to them.  I daresay putting our butt in their faces would have any effect.  I’ve actually done this when trying to sit down where a cat has taken my spot.  Toby has the good sense to move, but with Timba I have to half sit on him, wiggle my rear a bit and tell him to move.  It’s mostly a failed attempt and I have to pick his cozy large body up and laugh at his pip squeak of a meow.  He’s kind of like Mike Tyson – a big brutish body with a tiny high-pitched voice.  And sometimes he bites, though I haven’t lost an ear.  Whew!

So here are a few things I notice that your cat can do to you but you can’t do to them:

1) Your cat can inspect your food and sneak a bite or two.  It can sniff your drinks, paw them, topple them, and get hair in them.  You can’t do this because it would mean bending down, getting on your knees, and stooping your head towards the cat bowls, which a) is uncomfortable, b) would make you look nuts, and if caught, go to the “special” hospital, c) there’s already hair in the water, along with pieces of litter from tiny dipping paws, and d) it would in no way have the same effect as your cat’s inspection of your food – in other words, it wouldn’t bother your cat in the least, whereas it ticks you off to no end when dear kitty head bumps your bowl of chips and spills them all over the floor (personal experience, grrr!)

2) Your cat can dig its nails into you and flex its toes for pleasure while kneading and drooling, but you can’t dig your nails into it or flex your fingers into its fur because a) it’s pointless, b) it doesn’t feel good or make you zone out and drool (ice cream, music, or a back massage will suffice thank you), and c) your hand would become the target of a brutal attack resulting in severe infection whereby you would die and God forbid become cat food if no one were to visit you for a few days.  Whew! And eww

3) Your cat can make all manner of noises day or night.  It can play chase, bang into things, roll toy balls across a wooden or tiled floor, scratch a variety of surfaces, or paw the chirpy toys right as you’re drifting to sleep.  You can’t do this because a) who plays chase in the house when you can just watch the cats do it, b) it hurts to bang into things, c) making noises have no effect upon your cat except to pique its interest so it comes snooping to see what that delicious, new curious totally not annoying sound is and whether or not it can be pawed or mauled, and d) it doesn’t matter if you make chirpy noises to wake your cat, the little bugger sleeps 18 hours a day!

4) Your cat can sit on you, lay on you, walk on you, and spring from you.  You can’t do this to it because a) you’d squish your cat, b) he’d be severely injured or die, and c) that would so not be cool because it would be traumatically sad and cost you fines or imprisonment for animal cruelty.  No one would understand that you merely wanted to reciprocate your feline’s affections in a way that it would understand.  Stick to the “I love you” wink, which seems to be the only way to communicate on their level so far as I know. (Thanks for the tip, Jackson Galaxy!)

5)  And finally, your cat can lick the Netherlands and sniff his pal’s rear (and I mean a good, hearty, up close inhalation) and still receive facial kisses from you at some point during the day.  You can’t do this to your cat because a) it doesn’t care where you lick or who you sniff, and b) it’s not going to kiss you at any point during the day.  You might get a lick just to see if there’s any residual flavor of food, but the only puckered flesh aimed at your face you’re ever going to get from your cat is that “heinous catanus” mentioned above.

So pucker up folks, and accept that there are some things in this life that your cat can do to you but you can’t and probably don’t want to do to them!


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